Saved by His Grace

I once struggled horribly with depression, also known as the spirit of heaviness, and even immense anxiety, until I came to truly know Jesus Christ, who beautifully answered my broken prayers and turned my life around so much.

This post is for those who have been struggling with depression and inner turmoil, especially those who don’t yet know Jesus, those who are new to the faith or those who have wandered away from the faith.

I want to encourage you that there is Light at the end of what seems like a seemingly endless, dark tunnel. The devil and his agents of darkness (unclean spirits) want you to believe that there isn’t a way out, that there is no hope, but the absolute truth is there is, there is in fact a Light at the end.

That glorious and ever-comforting Light is Jesus Christ, who can heal you tremendously in full and give you Shalom (the highest level of peace) that surpasses all understanding. He can give you so much peace that others may seem absolutely confused and perplexed as to how you could be at peace when so much darkness, or even unfortunate circumstances, have fully encamped all around you.

My Story

Until I came to know Jesus almost four years ago, I struggled badly with depression and inner chaos over everything in my life and even inside myself. There was a war raging about between my members over just about all you could think of that comes with being alive. Forget about my life as an adult or even as a general member as society; I was drowning in what resembled an ever-renewing typhoon of sheer dysfunction.

There wasn’t a single untouched area of my life that darkness hadn’t defiled or attempted to pollute. As a result, I spent many nights battling with insomnia, drinking to calm my mind and fighting raging emotions.

I wasn’t able to stay still, and I kept trying to find a way to “escape,” never able to stay at home for too long. I was always flitting from one road trip, wine tasting, night at the bar, outdoor adventure, hiking trip, art exhibit, concert, and everything in between, to the next, but to no avail. My mind was a chaotic mess of overthinking, self-sabotage, self-condemnation, misdirected self-guidance, and everything of “self” you could think of.

I more often than not felt hopeless. If I wasn’t chasing an alcoholic buzz or an outdoor thrill, I remember feeling like I was living with a dark, and at times, unbearably heavy, cloud hanging over me. I felt so incredibly lost. I remember so many times forcing on a smile and pretending to be happy, especially in my former marriage.

However, I was in all actuality, dying on the inside and rotting away like a fish out of water and left alone to itself. The flies and gnats of depravity and spiritual decay weighed down upon me with so much pain, guilt and depression, that it was as though I were fighting through an army of people just to reach that “bearable place” some days.

Almost four years ago, after my roommate gave their life to Jesus, I could just feel an overwhelming intensity of peace that continuously drew me in and rendered me weaponless against it. I wanted to just scoop up for myself some of the peace of God emanating from them.

But, I didn’t understand it, not one single bit. I had met many “Christians” throughout my whole life who claimed to know Jesus or felt peace from their so-called “religion,” but I never felt this peace from them. So, I was utterly defeated in my presuppositions and presumptions.

Literally everything I thought I knew about “Christians,” my roommate had turned upside down and made all those assumptions catch fire. I mean, truly, I didn’t understand it. At first, I was angry, because I wanted what they had so badly, even though I had lived the majority of my life as an atheist.

Around this time, I began to curiously and genuinely read the full Bible for the first time. Then the Lord met me in my brokenness, in my mess, when I was completely brokenhearted, with one verse He led my roommate to share that would change everything.

The verse that changed everything was Revelation 21:4, which reads, “And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.” Upon hearing that verse, I broke down crying and finally felt hope for the first time in a very long time. To this day, I am beyond grateful for His love and mercy.

It was then that I finally let Jesus into my life, into my heart, and I brokenly prayed to Him to free me from the darkness, from the depression. I even ordered my very own Bible within a couple days afterward; I was so excited that I ordered a full-size New King James Version Bible and a compact-size Bible. I began to just pour over the Bible, reading it in its entirety in only three months.

It wasn’t long after I first genuinely prayed to the Lord that I started feeling different; I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of me. I had oftentimes been living in what I viewed as a dim haze, and I began to feel like the world had so much more color to it. Especially a few months later, when I surrendered more fully to Him, truly recognizing my need for a Savior.

God had answered my broken prayers mightily, delivering me from a long battle with depression. I’m so incredibly grateful for His goodness and mercy; it’s hard to fully put into words. I know that I didn’t deserve it, especially after how I had lived, in complete rebellion against Him, yet He still loved me and died for my sins so that I could be set free.

Since giving my life to God, He has given me so much peace, peace that surpasses all understanding. He has revealed to me, in the prayer closet, areas in my life where I need healing, areas in my life that I need to surrender to Him, and most importantly, He has healed me greatly from the trauma of my past. He has been transforming and renewing me so much, and I’m beyond grateful for the second chance He has given me, a second chance I never dreamt I’d have. 

You Are Not Alone

To the individual reading this who is going through similar struggles, please know that you are not alone. The Lord genuinely loves you and cares for you; He is close to the brokenhearted. As Psalms 34:18 says, “The LORD is near to those who have a broken heart, And saves such as have a contrite spirit.” 

You don’t have to do this alone; I once too was fiercely independent and thought I could do it on my own. The more I tried to do life on my own, the worse it got until there was no escaping the fact that my misery was largely due to my formerly rebellious and stubborn nature.

A big reason, I know now, for the depression I had been battling with, is because I had been walking so far out of God’s will, so far into sin, that I no longer valued myself, and I had no idea anymore who I truly was. Sin fragments the version of you that God created, it divides you from God and leads you to follow what the devil wants you to do, which leads to a path of self-destruction. 

I later learned that what I had suffered from was actually the spirit of heaviness (Isaiah 61:3), a spiritual oppression of deep sadness, despair, hopelessness and emotional numbness. It is in actuality a demonic force that is aimed at stealing one’s joy and leads them into isolation, self-pity, and if they are a believer, it causes apathy toward their spiritual life. The spirit of heaviness also often works in tandem with the spirit of suicide.

Don’t let the enemy lie to you and make you feel like you are less than and make you believe that you need substances, or diversions, to numb the pain and to feel “happy.” And, please know that you are beautiful just the way you were born, the way God made you; He does not make mistakes. He made you precious in His sight. The further and further you believe what society, the world, tells you, the further you slip into such agony because there’s such a division between what God created and what the devil wants you to believe.   

“For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well. My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.” -Psalms 139:13-15

Breaking Free from the Spirit of Heaviness

So, how do you fully break free? Well, if you aren’t yet a believer or a follower of Christ, I encourage you to surrender your life to Him. Cry out to Him and repent of your sins; ask for His forgiveness, ask Him to wash you clean and renew your mind from all of the enemy’s lies that have poisoned you and made you question everything. 

It’s also very important to sit down and evaluate what you have allowed in your life that could have caused the depression in the first place. Everything is spiritual; even the things people don’t even consider. Personally, my sin, the horror movies I watched and my involvement with the New Age (crystals, yoga, meditation, etc.) were open doors to the devil, which caused such a disconnect and heaviness in my soul.

If you do not know Jesus (or want to turn fully back to Him) and you want to be healed from depression and all inner turmoil, I encourage you to pray this prayer below:

“Heavenly Father, Thank you for Your Son, Jesus Christ, who died for my sins. I repent of all my sins, known and unknown. Please wash me in Your holy blood. I’ve done so much in my life that I’m not proud of, and I’m in desperate need of a savior. Please rescue me and heal me from all the pain I’ve been going through. Please close all open doors that I allowed the enemy to open, and open all doors, through my sin or negligence, that I allowed the enemy to close. I don’t want to live like this anymore; I want to know You and Your peace that surpasses all understanding. Please come into my life, fill me with Your Holy Spirit and lead me and guide me. In Jesus’ name, amen.”

What’s Next?

If you prayed that prayer above, you just made the best decision you will ever make in your life. Now, ask the Lord to send you brothers and sisters in Christ who will help guide you and help you grow in your newfound (or renewed) relationship with the Lord. Find a church that firmly believes in the Bible, that it is without error, and believes in the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit as the triune God.

I strongly recommend a non-denominational Christian church, but pray to the Lord to lead you to the right one when it’s the right time. There are unfortunately many churches out there that aren’t preaching the true gospel and have distorted the Word of God. As a new believer, it is important to wait on the Lord and ask for godly mentors who will point you in the right direction.

For now, keep praying to the Lord; talk to Him like He’s your best friend. Be open and honest with Him about all of your struggles and ask for His help; never assume that He will automatically fix areas that you are struggling in if you don’t ask for His help in those areas.

Secondly, purchase a Bible and start reading, daily, from the New Testament, especially the Gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. In this post, I talk about which versions are more accurate and easier to read, especially for new believers. If you get confused on what you are reading, don’t hesitate to pray to the Lord and ask Him to reveal through His Holy Spirit what different scriptures mean. If you are looking for resources to help you grow in your walk with Jesus, I highly recommend checking out my Helpful Resources page.

Most importantly, strive to grow closer to the Lord, get to truly know Him through His Word, and allow Him to truly transform your life. If you remain in Him and His will, He will give you peace that surpasses all understanding.

“Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” –Matthew 11:28-30

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